The redneck animal park

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very “in the
mood”, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought
they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.” The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. “Well,” said Ed, “You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”

Famous last words

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby
the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, “Hey y’all, watch this!”

Rednecks visit to a whorehouse

There was 3 rednecks in New York City. One day while sight seeing they ran upon a whorehouse. Excited, they entered the whorehouse like kids entering a toy store.

The first redneck had $5.00, the second redneck had $10.00, and the third redneck had $15.00.

The first redneck approached the lady behind the desk and said ” I got $5.00!

What do I get for $5.00?”

The lady spoke over the intercom and said “Ginger– take this getleman upstairs and give him $5.00 worth!”

The first redneck came back downstairs grinning from ear to ear.

The oter two rednecks said “Man, what did you get for $5.00?”

The first redneck explained that she took it out of his pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all off.

This exited the 2nd redneck and he quickly approached the lady at the desk. He said “Okay, I have $10.00!What do I get for $10.00?”

The lady spoke over the intercom and said” Tasha, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $10.00 worth!”

The 2nd redneck came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear, as if he was on Cloud Nine.

The other two rednecks met him and asked” Man, what did you get for $10.00?”

The 2nd redneck explained she took it out of his pants, put whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she licked it all off.

This excited the 3rd redneck, so he nervously approached the lady at the desk and said, “I have $15.00. What can I get for $15.00?”

The lady turned on the intercom again and said” Melissa, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $15.00 worth!”

The 3rd redneck came downstairs with a huge frown on his face, and on the brink of tears.

Curious, the other 2 rednecks asked, “Man, why are you so sad. What could’ve went wrong? You had $15.00?”

The 3rd redneck said, “Boys, she took it out of my pants, put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries, pinapple topping, chocolate syrup,nuts and a big cherry on top! It looked so good I ate it myself.”

Redneck medical terms

Benign – What you be, after you be eight.
Artery – The study of paintings
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria
Barium – what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section – a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan – searching for kitty
Cauterize – made eye contact with her
Colic – a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C – Where Washington is
Dilate – to live long
Enema – Not a friend
Fester – quicker than someone else
Fibula – a small lie
Genital – a non-Jewish person
GI series – world series of military baseball
Hangnail – what you hang your coat on
Impotent – distinguished, well-known
Labor pain – getting hurt at work
medical staff – a doctor’s cane
Morbid – a higher offer
Nitrates – cheaper than day rates
Node – I knew it
Outpatient – a person who has fainted
Pap Smear – A fatherhood test
Pelvis – second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative – a letter carrier
Recovery room – place to do upholstery
Rectum – darn near killed him
Secretion – hiding something
Seizure – a Roman emperor
Tablet – a small table
Terminal Illness – getting sick at the airport
Tumor – one plus one more
Urine – opposite of you’re out
Varicose – nearby / close by

12 days of Red-neck christmas

Sung to the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”

12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 a Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 pack of Redman
6 cans of spam
5 FLANNEL SHIRTS….
4 big mo tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and parts to a Mustang GT…

Martha Stewarts guide for redneck

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed it’s time to change sheets.

5. Even if you’re CERTAIN that you are included in the will … it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table … no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.

3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman’s jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wantin’ to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday”. If the latter is the answer it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks & shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Redneck family tree

REDNECK FAMILY TREE

Many, many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be,

This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
am my own grandpa!

First day at school

It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for Johnny. As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.

Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40 with just a few mistakes.

Others couldn’t get past 20.

Johnny, however, did extremely well. He counted past 50, right up to 83. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Arkansas, son.”

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. Most made it about half way through without much trouble. Some made it to M and N, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet right to W.

That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “Son, that’s because you are from Arkansas.”

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Arkansas?” he asked.

“No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”

Hickphonics

The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland cashed in by labeling African American slang as the language “Ebonics,” has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or “Hickphonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.

A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI – noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?”
BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH – noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”
BAMMER – noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”
MUNTS – noun. A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”
THANK – verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
BARE – noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Usage: “Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!”
RANCH – noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
FAR – noun. A conflagration. Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”
TAR – noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
TIRE – noun. A tall monument. Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
RETARD – Verb. To stop working. Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”
FAT – noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”
RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”
FARN – adjective. Not local. Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed….mus’ be from some farn country.”
DID – adjective. Not alive. Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: “He cain’t breathe….give ‘im some ear!”
BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
JEW HERE – Noun and verb contraction. Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”
HAZE – a contraction. Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah….haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit ‘n ‘is laf.”
SEED – verb, past tense of “to see.”
VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City….view?”
GUMMIT – Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: “Them gummit boys shore are ignert.”

How to speak southern

How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
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BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD – adverb. Not easy.
Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”

LOT – adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ‘em some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”

SEED – verb, past tense.

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”