A cowboy and his wife come up to a hotel manager and the cowboy says “Me and my wife here got married and we’d like a room. The manager then says “Would you like the Bridal then?” The Cowboy says “Nah I’ll just hold on to her ears until she gets the hang of it.”
Categories: Redneck jokes Tags:
One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots.
The sheriff says “Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”
Billy-Bob replies “Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin.’ MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a-cuddlin’ some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said ‘Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town!’ . . . I guess I’m the first one here!”
Categories: Redneck jokes Tags:
Gentlemen:
I just received your long superheated letter in regard to the bill I owe you. You said you thought it could have been paid a long time ago. You couldn’t see why it wasn’t. Well I will enlighten you. In 1907, I bought a sawmill, two ponies, a breech loading shotgun, a Winchester rifle, a colt revolver, and two fine razor-back hogs, all on that damn credit plan.
In 1910, the mill burned down and it left me without a damn thing. One of the ponies died, and I loaned the other to a son-of-a-bitch who starved it to death. So I joined the church.
In 1911, my boy got the mumps, and they went down on him and the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. Then I went fishing. The boat capsized, and I lost the biggest fish I have ever caught and two of my sons drowned, but neither of them was the one with his balls cut out.
In 1912, my father died and my brother was lynched for horse stealing. A railroad man knocked up my daughter, and I had to pay a doctor’s bill of $300 to keep the little bastard from being a relative of mine.
In 1915, my wife ran away with a bastard and left me with a pair of twins as souvenirs. Then I married the hired girl to keep down expenses. I had a lot of trouble in getting her to put out, so I went to the doctor, and he advised me to create so excitement about the time she was ready. That night I took the shotgun to bed with me, and just when I thought that she was ready I stuck the gun out of the window and fired. Net results: My wife shit in the bed, I ruptured myself, and I shot the best cow I ever had.
I was burned out in 1931 and therefore took to drinking. I didn’t stop until all I had left was a Waterberry watch and kidney trouble. For sometime all I did was wind my watch and run to piss.
The next year I tried again. So I bought a manure spreader, a Deering binder and a thrashing machine . . . all on that damn credit plan. A cyclone came and blew everything into the next county. My wife got VD from a traveling salesman, my boy wiped his ass with a corn cob that had crabs on it, and some bastard denutted my bull.
This still did not discourage me. I bought a swarm of bees to raise some honey to sell. The damn queen bee took up with a tumble bug, and the honey turned out half shit.
Listen brother, trying to get money out of me would be like trying to pour hot lard up a wildcat’s ass with a fork. But mister, if you’re willing to try, go right ahead.
“Yours for more credit”
Categories: Redneck jokes Tags:
An old man, who is hard of hearing, goes with his wife to the doctor for his annual check up.
The doctor tells him that he needs a urine sample, a poop sample, and a sperm sample.
The man turns to his wife and asks what the doctor has said.
His wife replies, “He needs your underwear.”
Categories: Redneck jokes Tags:
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died’.”
Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor says, “Sorry ma’am, there is a
7 word minimum on all obituaries.”
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds
says, “In that case, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died – 1983 Pick-up for
sale.’”
Categories: Redneck jokes Tags:
1. Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
2. He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
3. You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”.
4. He refers to Klingons as “Critters”.
5. He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.
6. He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
7. He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
8. He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.
9. He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
10. He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
11. He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
12. He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”.
13. He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
14. He insists on calling his first officer “Bubba”.
15. He sets the fore viewscreen to re-runs of “Bassmaster”.
16. He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
17. He paints the starship camouflage green.
18. He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.
19. He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.
20. His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
21. His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls and matching socks.
22. He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
23. His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
24. He sets phaser to “Cajun”.
Categories: Redneck jokes Tags:
Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales But I luv you anyway.
You’re as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin’ in the pan. Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well, I’m in hawg heaven, I’m plumb outta my wits.
And speakin’ of wits, You’ve got plenty fer shore. ‘Cuz you married me Back in ’74.
Still them fellers at work They all want to know, What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape Yo’re there fer yore man, To patch up life’s troubles And stick ‘em in the can.
Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler Racin’ through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd.
Yo’re as cute as a junebug A-buzzin’ overhead. You ain’t mean like no far ant Upon which I oft’ tread.
Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.
Yore complexion, it’s perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin’. Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin’.
And when you get old Like a ’57 Chevy, Won’t put you on blocks And let grass grow up heavy.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank, We go together Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine’s Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, It’s romantic that way.
Some men git roses On that special day From the cooler at Kroger. “That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. “Diamonds are forever,” They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds it’s a new ridin’ mower.
Categories: Redneck jokes Tags:
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Budweisers.
The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it’s a po-leece roadbloack! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”
Don’t worry Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on out forheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, okay?” said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “Have you boys been drinking?”
“No sir,” said Earl, “We’re on the patch.”
Categories: Redneck jokes Tags:
Technology for Country Folk…
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Categories: Redneck jokes Tags:
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: “You ain’t from around here, are ya… where ya from, boy?”
The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”
The bartender asks, “What th’ hell you do in Iowa?”
The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender asks, “A taxidermist… now just what th’ hell is a taxidermist?”
The guy says “I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s OK boys, he’s one of us!”
Categories: Redneck jokes Tags: