Starwars jokes

Top 11 signs you been waiting in line too long for star wars ticket

11. That chick dressed as Princess Leia in front of you now qualifies as your”longest relationship with a woman.”

10. Can’t resist to urge to “unsheathe your lightsaber,” if you know what I mean.

9. Bossman Vader told you to take your Jedi powers to the planet of unemployment.

8. We’re bombing who? What the hell is a Kosovo?

7. A fellow fan compliments you on your Chewbacca costume, but you aren’t wearing one.

6. When a reporter asks you why you’re obsessing about a movie when there’s a war in Europe, you express full confidence in President Reagan’s ability to handle the situation.

5. Your Boba Fett lunchbox is worth $.45 more than it was when you got to the theater.

4. The guy next to you is in line for “Episode II.”

3. Obi-Wan’s ghost shows up to spritz you with Lysol.

2. The dude in the Wookie suit is starting to look pretty good to you.

and the Number 1 Sign You’ve Been Waiting on Line Too Long For “Star Wars” Tickets…

1. Even your most loyal supporters are starting to question your order to “Just keep bombing Serbia until I get back.”

Star wars singalong – Imperial rhapsody

Imperial Rhapsody
(sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsoody, by Queen)

Lando: This is the good life
This is a fantasy
Working on Bespin
An escape from Reality.
Leia: Open your eyes
Stand up to their guys and see.
Luke: I’m just a farmboy, I need some sympathy
Cus who’s my dad, I dunno
Little whine, little moan.
Han: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn’t really matter, to me

Piett: Vader just killed a man.
Raised an arm up in the air
Now his life’s no longer there.
Vader, we had just begun,
And now I’ve gone and lost the reb-el scum.
Vader, oooooooo.
Didn’t mean too make you mad
If I’m not alive again this time tomorrow,
There’ll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.

Yoda: Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine
Body’s aching all the time.
Luke: Goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
Piett: Vader, ooooooooooo,
I don’t wanna die
I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all.

Luke: I see a little silhouetto of a man
Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, Where’d ya go? C-3PO O O O O O OH!

Top ten bad things about having a summer time share with Darth Vader

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren’t his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He’s always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent “a long, long time ago.”
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing “Darth Brooks” routine.
5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, “No, Darth isn’t here. He’s on the ice planet Hoth.”
2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

Star wars prequel top 10

The top 10 things we want to hear Samuel L. Jackson, “Jedi Master Mace Windu,” say in the Star Wars prequel”

10. You don’t need to see my goddamn identification, ’cause these ain’t the motherfuckin’ droids you’re looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’ll never know, ’cause even if it did I wouldn’t eat the filthy motherfucker.

8. This is your father’s lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin’ stormtrooper in the room… accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-wan ain’t home then I don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do. I ain’t got no other connections on Tattooine.

6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.

5. That ain’t no planet I’ve ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce or what?

4. You sendin’ The Fett? Shit, Hutt, that’s all you had to say!

3. Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror’s got hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He’s a wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?

1. Hand me my lightsaber… it’s the one that says “Bad Mother Fucker.”

Y. O. D. A

Y.O.D.A (Tune: Y.M.C.A – By: Village People) As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said YOUNG MAN, now it’s muddy and brown. I said YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, ’cause I *MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY* YOUNG MAN, There’s no need to feel fear. I am WONDERIN’, tell me why are you here? How you GROWIN’, from this food on the plate, I say *WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT* You must be here to see Y.O.D.A You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. He’s 900 years old! He’s so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course! You must be here to see Y.O.D.A You must be here to see Y.O.D.A Come and get yourself clean! Come and have a good meal! Pretty soon now, the Force you’ll feel! YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into SOMETHIN’ brown that smells like a sty, and this TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got *SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM* YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is COMIN’, master Yoda not far. I’ll be HAVIN’ this bright thing that ain’t hot. It is *MINE* *OR* *I’LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT* You must be here to see Y.O.D.A You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. He’s 900 years old! He’s so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course! You must be here to see Y.O.D.A You must be here to see Y.O.D.A Don’t just stand in the rain! You’re all covered with mud! come and sample my homemade crud! OLD BEN, Are you listenin’ to me? I can’t TRAIN HIM, he’s so reckless you see! Like his OLD MAN, he’s so angry but brave! Betcha *HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE* YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be GOING, off to save all your friends? To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you *WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU’RE* *A* *JERK* You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A You should stay here and train! You don’t have to save Han! If you do so, you’ll lose your hand! You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A. (repeat and fade)

Top 15 Star wars euphemisms for masturbation

Top 15 “Star Wars” Euphemisms for Masturbation

15. Shooting Womprats in Beggar’s Canyon

14. Grooming the Wookie

13. Making the Kessel Run

12. Polishing Vader’s Helmet

11. Evacuating Tatooine

10. Unsheathing the Meatsaber

9. Releasing the Special Edition

8. Jumping to Delight Speed

7. Communicating with Red Leader One

6. Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo

5. Tinkering With the R2 Unit

4. Manually Targeting the Rebel Base

3. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick

2. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears

1. Test Firing the Death Star

The top 12 things that uttered by yoda while making love

12. “Ahhh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!”

11. “Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.”

10. “Feel the force!”

9. “Foreplay, cuddling – a Jedi craves not these things.”

8. “Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!”

7. “Do me or do me not – there is no try.”

6. “Early must I rise. Leave now you must!”

5. “You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz’s hand up my ass.”

4. “Happens to every guy sometimes this does.”

3. “When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?”

2. “Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!”

1. “Who’s your Jedi master? WHO’S your Jedi Master?”

Reasons why star wars is better than titanic

Titanic’s big, but it doesn’t have hyperdrive.

Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.

Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedimaterial; Rose
is just marriage bait.

Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can’t say “Look at the size of that thing!” and really mean it.

It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyedamphibians to Admiral.

Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

Two words: John Williams.

There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed “kings of the world”?

If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

“I’d rather be his whore than your wife” just doesn’t have the same sting as “I’d rather kiss a Wookie.”

Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could’ve anticipated “Luke… I am your father”?

Han Solo would’ve missed the darn iceberg!

The empire strikes back real ending

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke’s hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No… I am your father!

Luke: No, it’s not true! It’s impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…

Luke: No…

Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me… my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith… waahhh wahhh!”

Luke: Shut up…

Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was you’re age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong… You’re not my kid… I don’t know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine…

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!