Redneck jokes

Redneck meal

Q: How many rednecks does take to eat possum?

A: Three. One to eat it and two to look out for cars.

Musical terms misunderstood by country-western musicians

Diminished Fifth — An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

Perfect Fifth — A full bottle of Jack Daniels

Ritard — There’s one in every family

Relative Major — An uncle in the Marine Corps

Relative Minor — A girlfriend

Big Band — When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

Pianissimo — “Refill this beer bottle”

Repeat — What you do until they just expel you

Treble — Women ain’t nothin’ but

Bass — The things you run around in softball

Portamento — A foreign country you’ve always wanted to see

Conductor — The man who punches your ticket to
Birmingham

Arpeggio — “Ain’t he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?”

Tempo — Good choice for a used car

A 440 — The highway that runs around Nashville

Transpositions — Men who wear dresses

Cut Time– Parole Order of

Sharps — What a wimp gets at the bar

Passing Tone– Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

Middle C– The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low

Perfect Pitch — The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

Tuba — A compound word: “Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!”

Cadenza — That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

Whole Note — What’s due after failing to pay the
mortgage for a year

Clef — What you try never to fall off of

Bass Clef — Where you wind up if you do fall off

Altos — Not to be confused with “Tom’s toes,” “Bubba’s toes” or “Dori-toes”

Minor Third– Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

Melodic Minor — Loretta Lynn’s singing dad

12-Tone Scale –The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

Quarter Tone — What most standard pickups can haul

Sonata — What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

Clarinet — Name used on your second daughter if you’ve already used Betty Jo

Cello — The proper way to answer the phone

Bassoon — Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when

French Horn — Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

Cymbal — What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

Bossa Nova — The car your foreman drives

Time Signature — What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

First Inversion –Grandpa’s battle group at Normandy

Staccato — How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

Major Scale — What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: “Darn! That was a major scale!”

Aeolian Mode– How you like Mama’s cherry pie

Bach Chorale — The place behind the barn where you keep the horses

Sometimes it is best to say nothing

A red neck was brought in as a suspect of a rape case. He was put into a lineup and when the victim came in to do the identification the red neck jumped up and down screaming, “That’s her! That’s her!”

Guess where you are from

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 – If I can’t tell you where you’re from, I’ll pay you $50.00!”

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, “Is the sign right?”

The Indian says, “yes.”

The cowboy hands him a five and says, “you’re on!”

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, “you’re from Wyoming.”

The cowboy shakes his head and says, “I’ll be darned! You’re right!” and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.

The Indian says, “you’re from Montana!”

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he’s going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, “do your stuff!”

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he’s gone one up on the Indian.

The Indian says, “You’re from Arkansas!”

The young man gets really upset and can’t for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, “How in the world did you know I’m from Arkansas?”

The Indian replies, “by the wool on your zipper.”

Redneck coroner

xThree smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner’s to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

“This is Cletus,” he says. “He died of shock after winning $20 million on the lottery.”

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. “This is Bo,” the coroner says with a grin. “He died having a ‘good time’ with Trudy-May.”

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. “This is Roscoe,” says the
coroner. “He died after being struck by lightning.”

“Well,” asks the detective, “Why in heck was the fool smiling?”

“Oh,” says the coroner. “He thought he was having his picture taken.”

Clarence

A redneck girl was dating a fellow in Pennsylvania named Clarence. They got into a huge fight and she told her two brothers (Billy Bob and Billy Jim) about it. They jumped into their pick-up truck and headed to Pennsylvania to settle the score with Clarence. They reached teh state line and after passing under an over-pass, Billy Bob made a quick U-turn and headed back home quickly.
Billy Jim asked why he had turned around.

Billy Bob replied, “I ain’t messing around with that dude. Did you see that sign back there? ‘Clearance 14 feet 8 inches.’”

Letter from home

A letter from an Arkansas Mother to her Son…

Dear Son:

Your Paw has a job. It’s the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we don’t know what to do with
it. Paw gets $17.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house.

We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape.

On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing they call a sink where you
wash your face and hands. But over in the corner we really got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean, then you pull the chain & get fresh water for the other foot.

Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so I’m using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in it so we use it for a frame for grandfather’s picture.

Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a roll of paper with the outfit. We can’t write on it very well, so I’m using it to wrap Paw’s lunch. Take care of yourself.

Maw

Giving directions

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

“Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up
there?”

Redneck on the jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

Slanted news

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “‘Forty Niners’ fan saves friend from vicious animal”, he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies.

“‘Oakland Raiders’ fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.

“I’m not a Raiders fan either,” the boy says.

“Then what are you?” the reporter asks

“I’m a Cowboys fan!!!” the boy says proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Redneck bastard kills family pet!”