Golf jokes

Mute golfer

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read “I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?”

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that “No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.”

He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

Golf balls

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of
dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them
into his pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to
him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed
after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A
bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, “It`s all right ma`am, they`re
just golf balls.”

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said,
“Tell me – is that something like tennis elbow?”

New golfer

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, “Uh . . . you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.”

“Oh great! NOW you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

Golf Miracles

There were three golfers.

One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green.

The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green.

As you no doubt guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus.

The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water. However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. As the fish was about to go back into the water, a eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away. Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle. Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole.

Then Jesus shouted, “Dad! If you do that again, I’m not going to invite you to play golf with us in the future!”

Golf – stung by a bee

A woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams, “I was just stung by a bee!” The golf pro asks, “Where?” Still screaming, the woman replies, “Between the first and second hole.” The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies, “It sounds like your stance is too wide.”

Toughest golf shot

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his
exasperated partner says, “What’staking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!”

Teaching wife to golf

“Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?” “You’re in a hospital, sir. I’m with the police. We weren’t sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.” “Well, I was teaching my wife golf and of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn’t know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, ‘Looks like your hole, dear.’” “That was the last thing I remember.”

Golf things that sound dirty but aren’t

10. Nuts…my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up…I need to wash my balls first.