Dirty jokes

Cooking a potato

Q: How do you know when it’s time to take a potato out of the oven?

A: Well, it’s like sex — you have to squeeze it. If it’s hard you leave it in. If it’s soft you take it out.

Fanny licking frog

While two ladies are driving in a car, they pass a house with a sign saying “Fanny Licking Frogs $5 round back”. Having nothing else to do, they decided to see what it was. As they entered the backyard they saw a small shed with a sign on it saying “fanny licking frog”.

The first lady entered the room and saw a small frog sitting on a stool and a slot to pay $5. She was curious so she pulled down her panties and sat near the frog. Nothing happened.

Wanting to see something happen, she has her friend to go in and see if she can get it to work. Her friend pulled down her panties and sat near the frog. Again, nothing happened. Frustrated, she walked outside and asked a man who was gardening nearby, “Can we have our money back? The frog isn’t working.”

The man leads them back into the shed and says “This is the last time I show you how frog!”

What’s it worth?

A young lady, having just returned from a great week-long vacation in South
America, walked into the local bank and asked about exchanging currency.

The teller said he would try to help her. After she plopped a huge wad of
bills onto the counter, the teller then counted it, made a phone call, and
returned to count out $27.18.

The wide-eyed woman gasped. “You mean to tell me that’s all I get for that
mountain of bills?”

“I’m afraid so Miss.” replied the teller, “That’s the current rate of
exchange according to our foreign exchange section.

“God!” she hissed, “and I gave that cheap S.O.B. breakfast, too!”

Getting out more

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.

“1956,” was his immediate reply.

“No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Honey, you need to get out more.”

“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch. “It’s only 2014 now.”

Bad trip to hallmark

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards,
finally shaking her head, “No.”

A clerk came over and asked, “May I help you?”

“I don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”

Contraceptive problems

Dear Dr. Dover:

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile.

My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o’clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn’t work, and the wife got pregnant.

A lady of several years’ experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disc but still got pregnant again.

I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.

We tried the coil next but that didn’t work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn’t get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems. If I can’t have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can’t believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely,

Bubba Brickhead

Another 50th anniversary joke

There was an old couple who wanted to celebrate their honeymoon by doing the exact same thing they did fifty years ago.

The wife lays on the bed and asks, “Honey, do you remember what you said to me on this bed fifty years ago?” The husband says, “Yeah. I said I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.”

“And?” says the wife.

“Looks to me like I did a terrific job.”

Safe sex

Do you practic safe sex?

Yes, I moved the bed away from the wall
so you won’t hit your head as much.

High sperm count

Q: How do you tell if a man has a high sperm count?

A: The woman has to chew before she swallows!

Rural party invitation

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded guy is standing there. He says, “Names Enoch…your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday…thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” replies Sam. “After six months of living like this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.”

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you, though, there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them.”

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n likely gonna be some fightin’, too.”

Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. “Well, I get along with people. Don’t worry, I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that is not a problem,” Sam says. “I’ve been up here all alone for six long months. I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says, “Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there.”