Dirty jokes

The flasher and the nuns

Three Nuns are walking down the street when a flasher jumps out and flashes them.

Two of them have a stroke. The other one could not reach it.

Never sleep with employees

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks,
he is feeling displeased at the way she is working: not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few
times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”

The secretary’s reply, “My lawyer.”

Which sex fakes better?

Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm . . . but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship.

Penis facts

* Penis Facts *

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200

Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons (53 Liters)

Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons (132.5 liters)

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour ( 45 Kms per hour)

Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour (40 Kms per hour)

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches ( 9 cm)

Average length when erect: 5.1 inches ( 13 cm)

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch ( 1.6 cm)

Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches (28 cm)

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 minutes to 2 weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

Average # of erections during the night: 9

Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches ( 7.5-10 cm)

Time it takes the sperm to travel the distance: 2.5 seconds

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie

Mickey and Mennie in divorce court

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. They are in court and the judge askes Mickey “Your divorcing Minnie because she is insane?”

Mickey replied “No judge I’m divorcing her because she is fucking Goofy!”

Comparing lesbians and V. P.s

Q: If you put six lesbians and six V.P.s in a room what do you have?

A: Twelve people that don’t do “dick”.

Snow white enters heaven

One day Unfortunately there were not enough places left in heaven, so it was decided that only virgins would be allowed to enter.

The angel at the “Gate To Heaven” was to check every females vagina and see wherether there was a penis mark. The first female came along and the angel found 7 marks BUT they were all to small to be counted as a penis, so that female was allowed in to heaven.

“One more thing” the angel said, “What’s your name?”

The woman answerd, “Snow White.”

First period

One day Little Susie got her monthly period for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny.

Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny’s eyes opened wide in amazement. “You know,” he said, “I’m not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!”

The ostretrician’s wife

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom
together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, “Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t INSTALL them!”

How many positions?

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened
one day.

The professor arrived and said we’d be discussing positions that day and
asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarassed to
speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, “Twelve.”

The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another
hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat
auditorium, “A hundred and one.”

The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn’t make out
who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who
replied, “Seven.”

And once again from the very back was heard, “A hundred and one.”

Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she
acted like she wasn’t going to answer. Finally she said, “Only one
sir.”

And the professor said, “Well young lady that is unusual. And what
position would that be?”

“With the man on top and woman on the bottom,” she replied.

And from the back of the room came that same voice, “A hundred and two!”