Beer jokes

Rights

A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving.

While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man: “Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you.”

“Boobs” the drunk replied.

Beer Joke About The Devil

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says” Do you know who I am?” and the old man sips his beer and answers “yep”. The Devil says “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?” The old man looks over and says” I’ve been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you.”

The Top 10 Rejected Beer Slogans

10. Beer: Getting sorority girls knocked up for 300 years

9.A decent excuse for your normal clumsy self

8. Beer: That nasty taste means it’s workin’!

7. You have to fill your bladder with something.

6. We don’t make the urine. We make the urine faster.

5. Numbing the Embarrassment of Being You

4. It’s the thicker-chicker-picker-upper!

3. Easier to Spell than Whiskey

2. The *Other* Thin Yellowish Liquid

1. Beer: It’s how you got here.

Lost wife

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

“Did you know,” says the cop, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Good reason

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”

 ”There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”

Gorilla

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “That’ll be five bucks.” As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds “You know, we don’t get many gorillas in here.” To which the gorilla replies, “At five bucks a beer, it’s no wonder.”

Cheap bar

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”

“One penny?!” exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, “Yes.”

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“Four cents,” he replies.

“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replies, “Out with my wife.” The guy says,

“What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “You know… we have a drink named after you.” To which the grasshopper replies, “You have a drink named Bob?”

Questions and answers

Q: what is the definition of an Irish queer?
A: An irishman who likes wemon better than whisky

Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Q: How can you tell if you’re wasted?
A: When there are traces of blood in your alcohol stream

Q: Why did God make beer?
A: So the Irish wouldn’t take over the world.
 
Q: What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.
 
Q: Why is Coors Light like making love in a canoe?
A: They’re both f***ing close to water.

Fly in the beer

A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. The Brit says, “Bartender, can I have a spoon?” and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, “Get out of there!” and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, “Alright ya wee fucker. Spit it out! Now!”