Beer jokes

Russian Genie

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.

The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.”

The Russian begins thinking, “Well I really like drinking vodka.” Finally the Russian says, “I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.”

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka
that he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, “Natasha, Natasha, come quickly.”

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink
until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
drink vodka.

She gets the glass but asks him “Boris, why do we only need one glass?” Boris raises the glass and says, “Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.”

Good advice gone bad

A guy is standing in a bar drinking when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at 10:30 the second guy says, “Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn’t like me to stay out late drinking.”

The first guy replies, “That is because you aren’t doing it right. You should do what I do. Go home. Sneak in the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs and lick, lick, lick usually about twenty minutes and there will not be any complaints in the morning.

The guy agress to try that and continues drinking with the other guy for about two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He snuck upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for twenty minutes. The bed was like a swamp, so he decided to go wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

He screamed, “What are you doing in here?!”

“Quiet!” she exclaimed. “You’ll wake my mother.”

Planning for the afterlife

An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye, and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month to live.”

O’Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O’Malley said, “Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer,
and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

O’Malley said, “I am dying of cancer, son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk

Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:

Cinnamon

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:

British Constitution

Loquacious

Transubstantiate

Passive-aggressive disorder

Specificity

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk:

Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.

You’re right; I can’t jump over that table.

Norm quotes from “Cheers”

SAM: “What’s new, Normie?”
NORM: “Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re demanding beer.”

SAM: “What’d you like, Normie?”
NORM: “A reason to live. Give me another beer.”

SAM: “What’ll you have Normie?”
NORM: “Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.”
SAM: “Looks like beer, Norm.”
NORM: “Call me Mister Lucky.”

WOODY: “What’s the story, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending.”

WOODY: “Hey, Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.”
NORM: “I know. If she calls, I’m not here.”

SAM: “Beer, Norm?”
NORM: “Have I gotten that predictable? Good.”

WOODY: “How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “Poor.”
WOODY: “I’m sorry to hear that.”
NORM: “No, I mean pour.”

SAM: “What’s going down, Normie?”
NORM: “My butt cheeks on that bar stool.”

WOODY: “Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “All right, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty.”

SAM: “What’s the story, Norm?”
NORM: “Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.”

WOODY: “What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “The question is what’s going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody.”

WOODY: “Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “A little early isn’t it, Woody?”
WOODY: “For a beer?”
NORM: “No, for stupid questions.”

The jumper

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. “I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

Reasons why beer is better than religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Spit in beer

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note “I spit in this beer” hoping that none will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying “Me too!”

Hell

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.
He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.
“Well,” said the demon, “the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don’t!”

Beer trade

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?”
“I got it for my wife, eh.” answers Bob.”
“Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”