Musical terms misunderstood by country-western musicians

Diminished Fifth — An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

Perfect Fifth — A full bottle of Jack Daniels

Ritard — There’s one in every family

Relative Major — An uncle in the Marine Corps

Relative Minor — A girlfriend

Big Band — When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

Pianissimo — “Refill this beer bottle”

Repeat — What you do until they just expel you

Treble — Women ain’t nothin’ but

Bass — The things you run around in softball

Portamento — A foreign country you’ve always wanted to see

Conductor — The man who punches your ticket to
Birmingham

Arpeggio — “Ain’t he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?”

Tempo — Good choice for a used car

A 440 — The highway that runs around Nashville

Transpositions — Men who wear dresses

Cut Time– Parole Order of

Sharps — What a wimp gets at the bar

Passing Tone– Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

Middle C– The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low

Perfect Pitch — The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

Tuba — A compound word: “Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!”

Cadenza — That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

Whole Note — What’s due after failing to pay the
mortgage for a year

Clef — What you try never to fall off of

Bass Clef — Where you wind up if you do fall off

Altos — Not to be confused with “Tom’s toes,” “Bubba’s toes” or “Dori-toes”

Minor Third– Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

Melodic Minor — Loretta Lynn’s singing dad

12-Tone Scale –The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

Quarter Tone — What most standard pickups can haul

Sonata — What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

Clarinet — Name used on your second daughter if you’ve already used Betty Jo

Cello — The proper way to answer the phone

Bassoon — Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when

French Horn — Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

Cymbal — What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

Bossa Nova — The car your foreman drives

Time Signature — What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

First Inversion –Grandpa’s battle group at Normandy

Staccato — How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

Major Scale — What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: “Darn! That was a major scale!”

Aeolian Mode– How you like Mama’s cherry pie

Bach Chorale — The place behind the barn where you keep the horses